Don't Forget to Live
by wheatieflakes
Summary: The test… tells you what faction you belong in, right?" I ask, uncertain. The man smiles. "Does it?" Sixteen-year-old Olivia doesn't know which faction she will choose. That's what the tests are for, right? But when something goes wrong in her test, she goes on the ride of her life - one she is unsure whether or not it is right for her.
1. Chapter 1

I wake up to an early sunrise. The air from my open window cascades over my slightly sweaty forehead and knotted hair. Gazing out into the sunrise, I take a breath in. I am nothing; I am everything.

I am late.

Sitting up in my bed, I smooth the red blanket carelessly. I am supposed to make it every morning. I never get that far, though, because I sleep too late.

Every morning my faction is supposed to get up and work on the crops within our territory. My father is probably awake already and, as usual, is prepared to scold me for my lack of respect towards others. We aren't the Abnegation, though: he is more worried about creating strife with our faction's leader than disrespecting someone else.

I sigh and brush my hair away from my shoulders. It is cut right above them so it sticks to the frame of my face but doesn't look long and elegant. If it were darker it would look mature and thoughtful, and if it were lighter it would look pretty, setting off my blue eyes to make them look bright instead of dull. However, my hair is brown and average, so it is not particularly noticeable.

Usually I don't have to wake up early but today it is my father's turn to water the garden early and I have to get ready before school.

School. Today is the day of our aptitude tests.

I swallow hard and force the apprehension down my throat. It is unrealistic to be nervous because the test will tell me what to do. I don't know why I feel so worried about it.

"Olivia!" I hear my father call, and I start to get out of bed. I force the fear out of my head and start to get ready as fast as I can.

I pick up the bundle of clothes at the end of my bed. The red shirt is a little too small for me and my jeans are a little too big. I don't complain, though. Complaints can lead to fighting and the Amity look down on fighting.

"You're going to make me late," my father scolds as I slide into the kitchen.

"Sorry, father," I say. He smiles and kisses my forehead.

"I'm sure you didn't mean it," he says. "Today are the aptitude tests, then?"

I nod.

"Are you nervous?" he questions.

I shrug.

"Of course you aren't," he grins. "You aren't scared of anything."

That worries me. Amity are not particularly scared but we are not particularly fearless, either. We are polite, we are peaceful, and we are not strung for conflict, which makes us more apt to be scared.

Then again, I don't know much about fear.

"Well, have a nice day, sweetheart," he says, kissing my forehead again before heading out. He is a nurse of sorts at the hospital because he is smart. It is rumored that he transferred from Erudite but I wouldn't dare to ask because that might incite conflict.

Sighing, I wait for Anna to come to breakfast so I can walk to school with her.

Anna is considered my little sister and, consequently, my father's second child, though we are not related by blood. Her parents disappeared when working outside the city on the farms and my father volunteered to take her in. I do not mind.

The blonde dances in and picks up a piece of bread from the table. "Good morning!" she sings, twirling and making a grand gesture to take a single bite from the bread. I smile, be it halfheartedly, and make an attempt to match her mirth, though it does not work. My father blames my mood on 'teenage blues', he calls it, but I am not so sure.

"So," Anna says, her mouth filled to the brim, muffling her words, "today are the aptitude tests."

I nod again, not trusting myself to speak. I have always been quiet.

"Are you scared?"

Is that everyone's immediate reaction?

I shake my head, but I do not look at her.

"I would be scared. They don't even tell you what goes on and you're not allowed to talk about it! It just sounds… scary, you know?" She wrinkles her nose and finishes the piece of bread.

I just shrug, crossing my arms. I am scared, though I don't show it. I pretend that my fear does not exist for the sake of her, because one day Anna will grow up and take the aptitude tests and there is no use for her to get nervous.

She's right, though. No one tells you what to expect of the aptitude tests. But I have reasoned enough and figured that what happens, happens.

If only I could convince my fluttering stomach of that fact.

"Let's go," I say, nodding my head up and signaling Anna to follow me out to catch the bus headed for school.

"But you didn't eat anything!"

I ignore her protest and all but drag her out of the house.

XX

Someone is tapping on my back in the bus. It takes all I have not to snap at the inciter but that is not what I am expected to do.

Instead, I politely turn back and plaster a smile on my lips. "Would you please stop?"

The face that looks back is not an unfamiliar one. I just roll my eyes as my fellow Amity slinks into the seat across from Anna and I and grins in the way he tends to. Kyle Reyes just laughs.

He is blonde and has a mischievous smile. If his nose wasn't crooked he would be particularly attractive. He is still attractive, but no one dares come close to him because of his violent nature.

If there is going to be a faction transfer, it will be him.

"How are you this lovely morning, Olivia?" he asks. "Excited for aptitude tests?"

Why is everyone so worried about those?

I shrug and try to ignore him. He probably isn't worried. Why would he be?

Shaking the nerves out of my hands, I clasp them in my lap and glance at him. "Yeah. It's not like you have a doubt in your mind what you're going to pick, anyway."

I frown. "The _tests_ determine what you pick. No one can be sure."

He just shrugs. _Infuriating. _"I guess we'll just have to see," he grins.

I don't grin back. I don't like grinning. Grinning is an expression of uncontrollable happiness, not peace. Peace is controlled and serene, not wild and giddy. That is probably why Kyle grins so much.

The bus slams to a stop and Anna climbs over my legs to get out and join her friends. I open my mouth to call after her but instead smirk, gathering my things. Anna and I are different in that respect; she makes friends easily. I am cold and distant.

Perhaps that is why Kyle is the only person considered my friend. We are both unlikable. I'd rather keep it that way, though.

We are opposites. Where I am cold, he is fiery and hot and angry. Where I am distant, he is up-front about everything. But no one else really likes us, so we hang around with each other. Both of us would probably have it any other way.

The second he gets out of the bus a few Candor boys with dark gray jackets smirk at him. He turns and glares at them. They back off. It is only natural; he has a tendency to pick fights. He gets in trouble for it at home, so he bites his figurative tongue there, but at school, no one tells on him.

Who would dare tell on the little brother of the unofficial Amity leader?

I sigh and leave him alone, making my way to the first class of the day. It will be the last time I attend this school. I am determined to make the most of it.

XX

I have always been a good student. My father tells me that I get it from my mother, though I doubt him. Considering _he_ is the smart one in the family and the rumors that he is from Erudite, I probably get it from him.

Then again, I could never fact check it because my mother is gone. She disappeared one day when she was working at the farm outside of the fence. My father says that she started walking and never stopped. All I know was she was beautiful and I look like her – at least, that is what my father says. He's required to say those sorts of things, right? To tell me that I'm beautiful.

It is a good thing that he isn't Candor because they look down on those sorts of things.

The apprehension has tightened my neck and shoulders to a breaking point. My stomach is flipping like a pancake on a skillet and jittering like butterflies. It occurs to me that I haven't ever seen a butterfly. I think I would like that. We've seen them in books. Most girls like them when we read about them, but I never grew out of that stage.

A group of Dauntless brushes past me. We are waiting to be called to the testing rooms and I am incredibly nervous. My red shirt bristles under my constant fidgeting. I look around. Is anyone else as scared as I am? It looks like it. The Abnegation girls are sitting in a corner, talking quietly among themselves. I pity them, in a way. They are restricted and quiet and boring. But there is a beauty to their selfless lifestyle I value.

Then my mind wanders to the Dauntless boys who just passed me. They are dangerous and feisty and full of life. Which faction will I be in? Erudite? Candor? Will I stay in Amity?

The rumbling of a train passing jars me out of my reverence. I blink and realize that the rumbling isn't much of a rumbling – though there is still a train passing – but someone shaking my arm. I glance over and see Kyle shaking me.

"Where'd you go?" he joked, reclining in the chair and running his fingers through his shaggy blonde hair. I shrugged and stared straight ahead, trying to ignore the group of Candor girls staring at Kyle like predators staring at prey.

One of them walks over and took a seat next to him. He raises an eyebrow. "Kyle, right?" she asks, smiling in a manner that seems unusual for a Candor. "I'm Caroline."

"That's great for you," he said, smirking and revealing a set of straight teeth. I remember how he broke his nose: when he was in elementary school he called an older group of Dauntless boys cowards or the equivalent. I don't remember perfectly, but he managed to get some good hits in. They managed to break his nose, though.

"How did your test go?" she asks.

"I haven't taken it yet," he hisses, rolling his eyes.

"I bet you'll get Dauntless," she says, smiling widely to reveal a slight gap between her front teeth. She's pretty aside from that flaw, with thick, light brown hair and dark eyes. "_I_ got Dauntless."

I suppose it makes sense that she came out and said it, but I still frown at the disregard for the rules. You aren't supposed to tell others about your test results.

"And why do I care?" Kyle asks, still smiling. There is something I value about him: his unwavering confidence. I wish I had that.

"Because you're _bound_ to get it too and then we can hook up," she bubbles.

Well, _obviously_ there is still some Candor left in her.

"Come on, Olivia," he says, circling his hand around my wrist and pulling me away from the mass of Amity – and one Candor. He opens his mouth to say something.

He is interrupted by a tiny Abnegation calling both of our names.

XX

For some reason I think about the man leading me to the testing chamber. I think about his entire life. I have never seen him before. He has a weak chin and blonde hair and faltering, watery gray eyes. There is a smattering of stubble covering his chin and jaw unevenly and his gray tee shirt hangs on his skinny shoulders. He looks in his forties, maybe late thirties.

I wonder if he has a family. Does he have a child? What is his job? Do Abnegation have romances? How do they get together if they are supposed to be selfless? What is his wife like?

He frowns at me. _Did I really just say that out loud?_ No, I didn't. That would be impossible. I still sigh, relieved.

Chuckling, he shrugs. "It's normal for you to be nervous," he says. "What's wrong? Olivia, is it?"

I nod. "Is the test difficult?" I question.

He shakes his head. "It's not that type of test." He smiles. "My son is taking this test, actually." His face turns red and he bows his head, opening the door for me and allowing me to enter first. "I apologize. That was selfish to say."

So he is married and he has a child. "Do you have other children?" I ask, almost involuntarily.

"It is not my place to say," he says, still abashed from the first outburst. "Have a seat."

I obey and conform to the surface of it, trying to ignore the sweat beading under my scalp. I am scared. I don't want to be scared but I am.

"The test… tells you what faction you belong in, right?" I ask, uncertain.

The man smiles. "Does it?" he asks.

I sigh. The Abnegation don't care about lying as long as it is not self-indulgent.

"Does it?" I ask him back.

"If you say so."

I sigh and he attaches electrodes to my temple. "Drink this," he says, and I take the vial of liquid and down it like a shot of alcohol.

XX

My dad let me drink wine sometimes at the dinner table when it was served. I never really liked the taste. The serum wasn't wine, though. It wasn't alcoholic.

A table is set in front of me with harsh lights coming in from over head. I glance at it and notice a hunk of cheese on one side and a knife on the other.

"Choose," a chilling voice says. I glance upwards, refusing to talk and refusing to choose. Why should I? It doesn't make any sense to choose between these two objects. Instead I cross my arms and fall into a sulking silence, staring down the cheese and the knife.

The voice repeats itself and I dig my feet further into the ground, refusing to choose.

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to figure out what to do.

Almost not of my own accord, I reach out and feel the cool, unfamiliar handle of the knife in my palm.

The situation changes and I am faced with a snarling, frightening, gigantic dog. Have I ever seen a dog before? I think I have but not like this. The dogs I would have seen wouldn't be big and scary and –

And coming right at me.

I scream and squeeze my eyes shut again. The dog doesn't fall and my knife doesn't move. Instead it stops where it is and gives me an almost perplexed look, as if it is waiting for me to move. I avert my eyes, opting to shut them again because that made it easier, and fall to my knees.

Feeling its nose on my forehead, my breathing hitches but I steady myself.

Then its nose goes away. I open my eyes and face the creature, the knife still in my hands. That was strange.

I drop the knife, my stomach sinking. How could I have killed the dog? It isn't a terrible beast. Not anymore.

It is still scary, though, so I keep my distance and watch the panting creature from afar.

What was _in_ that liquid the Abnegation told me to drink?

I take a deep breath. Is this it? Was this the test? Am I done?

Nope. A little girl toddles out, her hands poised and her mouth shouting "Doggie!" at the creature. I bite my lip and in a split second react: I launch myself in front of the girl and feel the teeth sink into my chest and neck and I know that I will never be able to look at a bigger dog the same again. And everything goes black.

And then I wake up.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Sophomore year will be kicking my ass so this might be put on the backburner. However it's fun so I'll still update. Perhaps not as frequently as I would like but I will. **

**Chapter 2**

I don't know what I expected. Perhaps a graphic illustrating which faction I got, fireworks, a note saying "Congratulations! You are part of – "

You get the idea. I wake up gasping for breath, still shaken from the "death", be it as much a simulation as it is, and unfurl my hands. Their nails had dug into the armrests of the chair and as such, the nail beds are aching.

_I_ am aching. Everything is kind of dizzy and unsure.

The Abnegation turns to me. "This is… Sit tight, Olivia," he says, turning and shutting the door behind him.

Did I do something wrong?

What kind of simulation _was_ that, anyway? Why would killing a dog – or giving it a hunk of cheese, the route I could have gone – have anything to do with factions? Who could kill the dog? Who wouldn't sacrifice themselves to save the child?

The man returns and smiles easily, something that comes naturally to Amity, so I smile back. Then I realize that Abnegation don't show emotions like that.

There is nothing wrong with smiling, though I cannot think of a good enough excuse to write it off.

"So?" I all but blurt out. "What faction am I in?"

"Dauntless," he says.

_What?_ That's not my faction. I never thought myself to be Dauntless. Then again, didn't I know that when I chose to pick up the knife? It was uncharacteristic, though. I was not taught to mess with knives.

Everything is confusing. I don't like it.

"Are you sure?" I ask, biting my lip. I shouldn't have asked again. It is too late now, though.

"Positive."

"Was there… was there a problem with the test?"

There is no way that I am Dauntless.

Did I really think about what faction I was supposed to be in, though? Ever? I admired the other factions from afar and knew I wasn't part of Amity, but I never really thought about where I _did_ belong. Perhaps I do belong in Dauntless.

But I am not a violent person. Not like the rowdy Dauntless-born or Kyle.

I admire their lifestyle, though. They are fearless, they take risks, they are not afraid of repercussions.

It hits me again, hard, that I have never thought about other factions before.

"There was. The results were not reported, as they should have been. I'll have to report them verbally." Perhaps he sees my stricken expression because he smiles again. "Don't worry, Olivia. It happens a lot. Though…"

He hesitates. I wonder why.

"You should think about your results," he finally says. "Take the afternoon off."

"Really?" I ask, frowning.

"You look like you could use it."

"What do I tell people?"

He smiles. Perhaps he is not showing an emotion, but instead trying to comfort me. A truly selfless thing to do, I think, though I am not sure of the effect it will have on me.

"Have a nice evening, Olivia," he says gently. He gestures to the door.

It occurs to me that I do not know his name. "What's your name?" I ask.

He frowns. "I think you had better get going."

I just shrug and close the door behind me.

XX

_Dogs… Cheese… Little girls…_

I kick angrily at the gravel on the pavement. I have elected to walk home, not because I want to but because facing people on the bus would be difficult. The Candor always use the bus and if they see an Amity they always try to stir something up.

Then it occurs to me that their fights are not necessarily my fights.

"Hey! You skipping school?"

I roll my eyes. "What do you want, Kyle?" I ask, crossing my arms. A train rumbles past and I see some black clad figures jumping out. "How can they do that?"

"Do what?" the blond asks me, joining me on the walk.

"What are you doing here?" I question.

"You ask a _lot_ of questions for a girl."

"For a girl? What's that supposed to me?"

He just smirks and we both watch the Dauntless get up, laughing and hitting each other on the shoulders. Their postures are not straight or worried about anything. It is like the Amity after a meal except it comes natural to them.

I sigh and try to distract myself from thinking about my results. I repeat the question I asked Kyle not two seconds ago, staring him down. I expect an answer.

"Oh, you know, just going on a stroll with my best friend," he shrugs, digging his hands into his jeans' pockets. "I was sent home early. Same as you, right?"

I shrug in response. I don't want to tell him about the tests. Truly, I don't want to talk about the tests. I probably won't _sleep_ tonight because of the tests. Tests, tests, tests.

Why am I worrying? The simulation told me that I am Dauntless. It should be a done deal.

So why do I have the nagging feeling that it's wrong?

"Right," I say finally, pulling at my shirt's hem.

"What's wrong?" he asks almost indignantly, as if there is no reason I should be upset. Why should he be? He probably got Dauntless.

Which means his test should be the same as mine, right?

I almost ask him. I am so close to opening my mouth and asking him what happened with the dog. But I keep quiet. We are not supposed to talk about the results with other kids.

"Nothing," I mutter, starting to walk faster. I am not in the mood to talk to him.

"Hey! Wait up," he says, jogging next to me. There is no use in trying to outrun him. He would always win.

Though the thought is tempting.

"Race you," I say, a smile toying at my lips.

"If you're that stupid you deserve to be beat," he grins. "Three two one _go_."

He cheated but I don't mention it, instead bolting after him. I am not too slow of a runner. I am not able to outrun Kyle but I am not too far behind him, either. Amity kids have a lot of practice at running, what with the constant games of tag and games and races they partake in. Amity is a laid back faction. No one is supposed to care about anyone else's preferences, instead accepting them with open arms. Our greeting _is_ a hug – literal open arms.

Kyle doesn't hug people. I wonder if he always knew he was destined to go to a different faction. Maybe he doesn't think about it. Maybe he relies on the test to tell him what to do like we're supposed to.

I sigh in relief. I've been missing that obvious fact. The test tells us what to do. We don't have to question the test.

Right?

Why is everything so complicated?

"Wow," Kyle laughs, grabbing my wrist and panting like a dog left out in the sun on a summer day. "You're somewhere else today."

"Thinking about the tests," I tell him.

"Doesn't matter. I still beat you," he grins.

The unbridled excitement in his face spreads to mine and I smile too. I notice the Dauntless kicking up gravel and laughing, jostling each other as they walk too close to one another to be comfortable. It doesn't seem like they want to be comfortable, though. Instead the four of them are paired off, a girl with a lazy arm over a boy's neck and the other set kissing each other with no regard for who is watching.

We are not the Abnegation. We don't look down on affection like that. But we definitely don't look up to it.

I bow my head and blush, turning from the group. Drawing attention wouldn't be particularly smart to do.

But Kyle turns, stopping me with him because his hand is encircled around my wrist. I notice the furrow between his brows, the stiffening of his lip, the tense of his shoulders. What is he looking at?

The Dauntless notice him staring. "What are you looking at?" one asks, his arm slipping off of the slim hip of the girl he is standing next to. "Banjo strumming hippie."

Kyle shakes his head, a lopsided devious smile crawling upon his lips. "Not you," he says. "Wouldn't waste my time on that."

I narrow my eyes at him. "We should go," I mutter.

"Why? Wouldn't want to start a fight?" he grins, but his eyes flicker up and he lets go of my wrist. He was going to fight. I know it. But… he stopped.

I look to where he is looking. In the distance we see a small figure in telltale Abnegation clothing looking on to us and the Dauntless kids.

"Let's go," I say, and I turn to leave. Kyle is on my heels.

XX

"The other kids said you and Kyle went home early," Anna says, her mouth filled with bread. I glance around, turning red, and hope that no one heard her.

We sit in the meeting room because it is the night before the choosing ceremony. There is a special meal, games for the children, alcohol for the adults, and a smattering of pies and cakes on the tables. Usually I would be taking advantage of the food but today I am not, instead contenting myself to choke down some bread. Usually that makes me feel better.

Today is not a _usually_ sort of day.

Kyle snickers softly at Anna's question. "Yep. She got into a fight."

The girl's eyes go wide. "You _did_?" she asks, as if she can't believe it. I don't blame her. I wouldn't believe it, probably because it didn't happen.

I shake my head. "Shut up, Kyle," I snap, harsher than I intended. Immediately I apologize, hoping to avoid Anna's tears. Successful, I turn my attention to Kyle. I open my mouth to apologize but he just shakes his head.

"Don't tell your dad, 'kay?" he tells her, smirking in the way he tends to. I notice that he hasn't eaten much either. Though I doubt he is worrying, it is nice to know I'm not the only one picking today to go on a hunger strike.

"Why not?" Anna asks. As Kyle opens his mouth to answer, a boy with askew brown hair and crooked glasses runs by and grabs her hair. She immediately sprints up after him, leaving her food unattended.

I don't protest, though. Instead I sigh, relieved I don't have to make any excuses to her.

Out of the corner of my eye I see my father looking sunburnt and harrowed though smiling, a glass of wine in one hand and the hem of his shirt in the other. I wonder what went wrong at work _this_ time. He tends to work for the factionless and sees lots of injuries he wouldn't otherwise.

"You know they drug the bread, right?"

I look up at Kyle. He isn't looking at me, though, instead looking down at his untouched roll.

"Hm?"

"To keep everyone peaceful. They put Peace Serum in the bread."

I frown. "Why would they do that?" I am not sure who "they" is but if they are drugging our food…

"Peace isn't natural," he mutters.

"What?"

"Humans don't want to stay peaceful," he says. "They are always looking for a fight. It's in our nature."

I just frown at him. I don't disagree – it definitely makes sense. Even the most peaceful of members in Amity get disgruntled from time to time, even his older sister, the unofficial leader. But…

If we are all violent what does that make our faction? Pointless?

"Is it in our nature?"

"Well, it's definitely in _my_ nature."

I decide to let the subject drop because Johanna Reyes is standing up to speak. Everyone chatters, not willing to let silence blanket us, but in a few moments they give up. Even the kids stop running.

"Tonight is the last night we will see some of our members again," she says, her scar lisping some of the letters. I wonder how she got that scar. It doesn't seem very appropriate for Amity. Was she a faction transfer? Then how did Kyle come to be in Amity?

I shake that thought out of my head. It is not a good time to be mulling over that with everything else going on.

"Tonight is a pivotal moment in our young one's lives. What they choose tomorrow is going to determine their entire lives' courses. We can only hope that they choose what will bring them peace, what will make them happy."

If anyone transfers to Candor I doubt their peace and happiness will really matter, but I hold my tongue.

"Just remember to choose!" a man laughs, sounding particularly drunk. Some people laugh and the room is overtaken by raucous laughter and games again. I see Johanna frown but step down, disappearing into the crowd and out of my view.

Kyle is a lot younger than his sister. My mind wanders to them again and it occurs to me I haven't seen their parents. Then I think about the faction transferring and force the thought out of my head. It isn't easy.

"You look upset," Kyle remarks.

I shrug. I am.

"Do you want to go home?" he asks.

I don't know what that will help, but I nod and we slip out of the dining hall unnoticed.

XX

Sometimes when I have nothing else to take my mind off of things I think about my mother.

I do not remember her. At all. She left when I was three and anything before that isn't a tangible memory. Sometimes I remember a smell, a smile, a brown ponytail, but it isn't much to go off of. Whenever I ask my father about her he gets an upset look in his eyes and I let it drop because that would be causing conflict.

I wonder if she had stayed around what would become of me. Would I be more talkative? Peaceful? Able to live with being in Amity? _Not_ Dauntless?

Do I not want to be Dauntless? I don't know. The lifestyle allures me, being fearless. It could do me some good to get rid of trepidation in my head. But is that why I should join a faction, because of what good it should do me?

What would make me happy? Not Amity. I don't fit in here. I am not peaceful. Sometimes I get restless and snap at someone.

But… I am not violent like Dauntless are. I am not like Kyle. There are no other choices, though. Even Amity isn't really a choice. Running away like my mother isn't a choice.

I lie back in my bed, staring at the ceiling with my hands on my stomach. The air is stiff and harsh. I want to go to sleep but I don't feel tired.

Getting up, I open the window and gaze out into the night. How do Amity think of the night? Do they like it? Is it peaceful? What about Dauntless?

They probably like the night.

I don't think like the other people do. People fit into factions like puzzle pieces. It just makes sense. The girls in my class are all Amity. They fit in and hold hands and laugh and love and giggle and mess around. Kyle is Dauntless. He gets in fights and takes risks and… he's fearless. He will be, at least. And the Erudite and the Candor? It's easy to tell who belongs where.

So where do I belong?

I sigh and shut the window. I realize that if I were Dauntless, I would have left, not caring about what I have to do tomorrow or how my father would react if I were gone.

Burying my head in my pillow I shut my eyes and try to get some sleep. I don't think it will work, but before I know it I fall and I don't feel anything anymore.


End file.
